I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
