well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
