Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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