we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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