I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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