when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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