The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
