I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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