you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Randomize
