I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
