everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
