Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
