There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
