I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
