my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
