I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You ate ashes out of my bong
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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