I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Randomize
