Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
