I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
