Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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