Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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