my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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