so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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