just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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