If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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