Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
