i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
