I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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