whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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