The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My pussy is not your playground.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize
