Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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