I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
