Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
It's just like the Real World with babies
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
