apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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