oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
