Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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