Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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