so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
