I love black thongs
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
