He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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