You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
