I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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