I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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