see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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