just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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