OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
