everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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