This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
