Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
