Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
