ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
