Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
