I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
