i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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