Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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