There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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