If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I need to stop coming to work sober
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
