I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
