Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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