I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
His nipple licking is glorious
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