Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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