Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i think my cat just said my name.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
