She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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